What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
Last Updated: 30.06.2025 00:40
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
She found it foreign!.
Why is it so hard to date nowadays?
I know ,a lot about trauma.
This is how, and why children get BPD.
Comes on , in middle age.
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Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
I was seconnd youngest,
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
Is it true that sleeping with your hair down can cause damage?
As i do to all so called friends.?
I had hoped to write a book about this .
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
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And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
I was 9 years of age.
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
But, we were locked up after school.
He was dying to do it , i knew.
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
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Im dying but, im not bitter.
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
My family never makes their pension either.
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Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
One cannot live in the past .
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Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
He resisted the act ,that day.
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BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
This is soul school!.
Im still living with it.
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
All the time i was locked up.
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
But ive been too sick for many years..
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
The only rule us 5 kids had .
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
My life is so biszare .
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
Where the ultimate outsiders.
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
I will be 64.
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
So, i spoilt her more .
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
I write beautiful poetry .
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
We were not on the streets..
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
I did it because my mum asked me too!
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
I was scared of men, in general
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
She married twice! .
I could never make a relationship work though!
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
I have no regrets .
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
He knew the spot.
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
And who doesn’t know suffering?
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
She wouldn,t have been !
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
(And it was in our own minds.)
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
It was going to be , some day.
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
Especially a lifetime of it.
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
She loved him until the end.
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
Who then, do I blame.?
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
And i lived it daily.
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
My mum and dad in the seventies!
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
Ive learnt so much.
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
Why did i forgive my father ?
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
Was to survive, this bastard.
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
So whats the point in blame.
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
Put me off passion for life!!
I was very sick at this time too.
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
Would this be the day?
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
What did i know ?
They are buried together, in the same grave..
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
But it wasn’t much.
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
When she asked me how she looked .
I think the readers, may guess!
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
On the 31st of Jan this month .
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
She was in good health!
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
I couldn’t, believe it.
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
I said to her
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
I don,t even have a pension.
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
I never cut or harmed myself..
We all went to grammer schools
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
I waited trembling.
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.